Albatross.

I have always, perhaps wrongfully so, depended on movement to mend things. Then there's this: I can't fix anything, can't escape anything, and I'm placing all of my hope in New York next weekend. Like I said to my friend Nancy earlier today, travel replenishes the soul. I'm counting on it, foolishly and wide-eyed, because, because, because.

You'd find me blooming by the riverbed.

My dreams in the last week have caused me to wake up exhausted nearly every day. I dream frequently and vividly, this is nothing new, but the content recently has been strange. Last night I dreamed of tornadoes (this happens often, as I'm terrified of them). In it, they were so violent that they were somehow lighting the clouds on fire for brief moments, so the sky was swirling and erupting in red, and I was so scared but stood snapping pictures.

I've also had multiple dreams about tulips, which is the most mystifying thing. I don't hold a particular fondness for the flowers, or at least I didn't until the dreams started happening, but now I keep collecting photos that I find on tumblr and drawing them, as if drawing them will somehow help me figure out why my brain keeps having them pop up. In the dreams, they are always yellow with streaks of red. They're not being given to me, I'm not in a field, they're just there, and I don't feel anything other than "Oh, that's nice," in the same way I would if I were to see them in the waking world if I were walking down the street.

But you are my nomad and I love you sideways daily.

I don't have much for new drawings to show you today, so instead I'm going to share with you some things that are currently inspiring me and making me feel feelings (I like that phrase, "feel feelings"). But first! 100 poems in 2012 update: Sometimes I think that I'm not making progress, but then I look at the number and realize it's not so bad. Especially since I've already surpassed the number of poems I wrote last year (I think, but there may have been some that I didn't post). This is what it's looking like:


Last night was when I decided that I wanted to share some things that I'm liking lately, and only now as I sit here with my milk-and-no-sugar coffee am I feeling a little overwhelmed. How do I choose?! It's unfortunate that I'm not comfortable with sharing the work of my coworkers (as I can't do so without properly crediting them, and I can't credit them without essentially telling the internet exactly where I work), because they are the humans that are inspiring me most these days. From the gorgeous back pieces my boss has been creating, to the spiritual energy of the new lady-tattooer at the shop, to the drawing tips and encouragement from everyone. I am a lucky girl. As for other things..

-Okay, so there's this site called Free Cabin Porn. It's not what it sounds like! A friend shared the link with me and I said, I AM NOT CLICKING THAT. But that was a lie, because curiosity got the best of me, and I ended up seeing a bunch of this:



-Richard Siken is my forever-favorite, and outside of his book Crush, he has all sorts of gems scattered about the internet. Such as The Long and Short of It. I love each and every line in this one.

"I work my jobs, I take my pills. Knot the tie and go to work, unknot the tie and go to sleep. I sleep. I dream. I wake. I sing. I get out the hammer and start knocking in the wooden pegs that affix the meaning to the landscape, the inner life to the body, the names to the things. I float too much to wander, like you, in the real world. I envy it but that’s the dealio—you’re a train and I’m a trainstation and when I try to guess your trajectory I end up telling my own story."

-Whales. Early spring = early whale watching? Oh, I hope so.

-More poems. Lots of them. I think I have more favorite poets than novelists. This one is like a punch to the stomach:



-A very incomplete list of tattooers:


Duke Riley


Stephanie Brown (She is on my tattoo bucket list - I'd love a panther from her.)


Kid Kros


Ron Henry Wells

-Photos like this:


[source]


Scottie Martin


[source?]


[source?]

-Art like this:


Rosemary Milner


Mireille Vautier


David Fullarton


"How to tape up your hands before a fight." (source?)

-And: Postcards, horses, chakra/mandala shapes in nature, flora, fish scales, LaBlogotheque's Take Away Shows on youtube, moths, Paul Newman & Joanne Woodward, relationships vs. static ideals, aura theories, Warsan Shire, Shearwater, Mumford and Sons (I'm late hopping on this train, I know), tough love, soft light, gardening, space.

If there's anything you think I should see, I'd love for you to share it! Comment, email, tweet, tumblr message.. I'm embarrassingly accessible on the internet AND I have the day off today, so sensory overload is welcome.


P.S., I collect internet-things that inspire me on Tumblr and Pinterest.

Blue tulip.

I love Sundays.

The light in the room on, the light in the room off.

Lately, I feel like my life should probably be titled Studies in the Pursuit of Happiness.

Sketchbook Project, collaborations (3!), New York, work, family, adventures, reconnections, epiphanies.. I'm trying very hard to take it all in with grace and not become overwhelmed. Fortunately, most of the previous can be categorized under Good Things. And it's so nice out today, I had my windows open.

I'm rather surprised that my 100 poems in 2012 project is going well. I was worried earlier in February, but so far I've beaten the January count by one, and there's still a few days left to the month! Of course, not all of them are good, but that's okay. It will be fun to go back and edit a bunch later. Current count for the year: 21.

Weekend.

Last week's birthday? One of the best of my life. The week took a lot out of me overall, a lot of things happened, the biggest of which I can't talk about here. The things that I can mention include a 24 hour stomach bug, my first Celtics game, an old friend, lots of familiar faces, love, hugs, and not very much sleep.

Now I'm having a very quiet Sunday evening, practicing drawing things that I am not very good at.




Oh yeah, and this is happening too!

Hello, new decade.

Good news everyone! 30 doesn't feel much different than 29! A lot of warmth is coming my way today, and I've been writing this post since earlier in the week. I don't give much of a crap about birthdays, but 30 is a big deal to me, because for the majority of my life I was absolutely convinced that I wouldn't make it this far (let's just say that for a very long time, I hated myself very, very much). I wanted to share some thoughts with you, things that I've figured out along the way, things that I wish I had known years ago. Maybe in another 30 years I'll want to edit all of this, or just add a lot more on to it. I hope that something in the next paragraphs helps someone, but I am also posting this as a reminder to myself.



I'm not sure where to start, so I'll just jump right in.

I'm convinced that developing a relationship with forgiveness is one of the keys to happiness. Forgiving doesn't have to mean forgetting, but if you can forgive the people and things that have happened to you, you'll feel a lot lighter for it. And if you can't? That's okay too. But try to let it go. Say, I can not forgive this/you, and then keep going. Leave the forgiveness part to the universe. It's okay, you're human.

In fact, if you find that you're being too hard on yourself, remember that too. It's okay, you are human.

The cliche, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is true, although almost always frustrating to hear when you're standing in the middle of shit and feeling like the life has been sucked out of you. Try to eliminate thoughts like This isn't fair, or I don't deserve this. Because it's not about that. It's about doing the best you can with what you are given.

When you find the thing that makes you happy (and I don't mean a person, here), fight to keep it -- even if it's a city away from your friends, a job that your parents don't approve of, or a hobby that you are almost too busy for.

And as for the person that makes you happy? Remember that relationships and friendships are a constant learning and growing experience, that will sometimes be difficult (see also: forgiveness). Don't forget to tend and cultivate them with care, and if the day comes where you need to fight for a person, then do it, but if they still insist on walking away, then the best thing that you can do for yourself is to let them go and be at peace knowing that you did everything that you could.

Taking a person for granted can be one of the most sad, devastating, and damaging mistakes, and you will do this to someone, and it will be done to you. Again: forgiveness.

You are responsible for your own happiness, and should never rely on another person to provide happiness for you. Create a life that you are in love with, be in love with yourself, and fill it with those worth sharing it all with, who magnify all of the goodness that you already have.

You make your own family. Go with your gut. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in. Be kind, especially when it's hard. Don't tolerate anyone who makes you feel small. Don't ever let anyone make you believe that you're not magnificent.

And LIVE. Kiss that stranger, take on that project, make goals, make mistakes, appreciate as much as you can, say you're sorry, be honest, be patient. Things will be okay, things will work out. Even if it takes a little while, even if it's the last thing that you're capable of believing in at the time.

If you read all of that, you are a champion. And because it is my birthday, and because I love and appreciate you, here is a high-res scan of "Rescue" for you to download and print. Share all you'd like (but please don't use the image for profit, okay?). Just click and save.♥